Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
