I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
