I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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