Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
