I'm lost and stupid without you.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
