I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
