I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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