why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
