dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
