it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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