the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
