How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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