covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
