I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Drunk is a universal language darling
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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