just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
