he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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