Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
