My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
