My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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