Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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