my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
