matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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