evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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