this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize