Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
