i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
