I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize