I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
