i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
