oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
