I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
