i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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