Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
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