There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
