Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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