the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
