whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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