I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
