I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
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