I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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