I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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