i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
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