non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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