Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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