I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
