she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
