worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize