I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
