Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
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