i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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