Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
