I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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