Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
