to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
