what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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