so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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