somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I love you. Go after that dick
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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