She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
