Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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