How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Life is so much better after having sex.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
