oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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