okay pat passed out under dana's car
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
