I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
