i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
