I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
