dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
